lock the door cuz I'd like to capture this voice

Honestly, I dont think I've noticed how much I've changed. Not until a few days ago.
She wanted me to quit choir. Choir. Thats how badly I've been doing.'I want to know whats in your head thats causing you to be this way'. The worst part is that I used to be so closed to her. Im constantly making that gap bigger. Thats why, she doesnt know. But then I've tried explaining all the stuff thats been in my head. I tried. We always ended up fighting. Im not your little girl anymore. Im not that little girl who used to be so hardworking anymore. Im not who I was 4 years ago. Have I just noticed that? It took me so long. And now, Im like this pile of nothing. Literally. Its hard because I dont know whats becoming of me. Im not suicidal, duh. LOL. Im just a mess right now. Did I just spent my whole night last night thinking? Im a dissapointment. You'd probably think, she's just being negative about herself? But no, what I was back then, and now. I've changed. Maybe not on the outside, but mentally. I know I have. Haha its pretty stupid how Im constantly emo-blogging these days right? Haha.
I can explain whats going on with me? But no one could ever understand truly. But I know I need to let it out. Thats the way it goes to keep yourself sane. I think. But then again,
I've practiced that 'im okay' for too long. Its hard because I used to tell you everything. Thats what's so sad now. I miss that. I miss you.
You know, being where I am now, I was always told to be the better one. But sometimes its gets a little rough. Its hard because the bar standard too high for me to reach. Being the person I am, I understand why I need to be better than what I am now.
The pressure's always there. People may not understand or know, but theres always something there thats already set for me and everytime I dont do as Im expected to, the mistakes I make, the choice I make, the people I hang with becomes their reason why I dont do good. Its not always nice to hear things like that. Still I listen then go up and keep to myself. I wasnt like this. I dont want people to see me like this. Im not blaming anyone. Im not complaining. Its just what I feel. Its what thats in my head.

Its times like this that I've gotta think about everything and re-evaluate myself. Its time I start making things better myself. Its time I start pushing myself. Its the time where I should be optimistic. Because I've been a pessimist for too long.